So I've had this conversation/rant with a couple people, and I thought it would be fun to make a post about it.
I hate seltzer water.
It has no identity! It's water that's not water, it's juice that's not juice, and it's soda that's not soda. It's like all those three things in one drink where there's just a hint of each, but not enough of any of them to be a real thing. It's weirdly like there's too much going on but also nothing is going on at all.
If I'm thirsty I'd rather drink water. If I want something tasty I'd drink juice. If I wanted sugar I'd drink soda. When it comes to alcoholic seltzer water, If I want to get tipsy or drunk I'd drink beer, cider, or a mixed drink! For any given situation that calls for the consumption of a drink, I might as well drink the actual constituent part of a seltzer water instead of a selzer water and achieve the effect I'm looking for so much better.

To be fair, I recognize that there might be things I'm missing about seltzer water. I was talking with a friend about it and he pointed out that he used to drink plain, unflavored seltzer water to cleanse his palate when eating to separate the flavors of the different things he eats. THIS I could get behind, but the only way I've personally seen seltzer water consumed is as to consume it for it's own sake, and it simply doens't scratch any itch for me.